| Man | You sit here, dear. |
| Wife | All right. |
| Man | (to Waitress) Morning! |
| Waitress | Morning! |
| Man | Well, what've you got? |
| Waitress | Well, there's egg and bacon; egg sausage and bacon; egg and spam; egg bacon and spam; egg bacon sausage and spam; spam bacon sausage and spam; spam egg spam spam bacon and spam; spam sausage spam spam bacon spam tomato and spam; |
| Vikings | (starting to chant) Spam spam spam spam... |
| Waitress | ...spam spam spam egg and spam; spam spam spam spam spam spam baked beans spam spam spam... |
| Vikings | (singing) Spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam! |
| Waitress | ...or Lobster Thermidor au Crevettes with a mornay sauce served in a Provencale manner with shallots and aubergines garnished with truffle pate, brandy and with a fried egg on top and spam. |
| Wife | Have you got anything without spam? |
| Waitress | Well, there's spam egg sausage and spam, that's not got much spam in it. |
| Wife | I don't want ANY spam! |
| Man | Why can't she have egg bacon spam and sausage? |
| Wife | THAT'S got spam in it! |
| Man | Hasn't got as much spam in it as spam egg sausage and spam, has it? |
| Vikings | Spam spam spam spam (crescendo through next few lines) |
| Wife | Could you do the egg bacon spam and sausage without the spam then? |
| Waitress | Urgghh! |
| Wife | What do you mean 'Urgghh'? I don't like spam! |
| Vikings | Lovely spam! Wonderful spam! |
| Waitress | Shut up! |
| Vikings | Lovely spam! Wonderful spam! |
| Waitress | Shut up! (Vikings stop) Bloody Vikings! You can't have egg bacon spam and sausage without the spam. |
| Wife | (shrieks) I don't like spam! |
| Man | Sshh, dear, don't cause a fuss. I'll have your spam. I love it. I'm having spam spam spam spam spam spam spam beaked beans spam spam spam and spam! |
| Vikings | (singing) Spam spam spam spam. Lovely spam! Wonderful spam! |
| Waitress | Shut up!! Baked beans are off. |
| Man | Well could I have her spam instead of the baked beans then? |
| Waitress | You mean spam spam spam spam spam spam... (but it is too late and the Vikings drown her words) |
| Vikings | (singing elaborately)Spam, spam, spam, spam. Lovely spam! Wonderful spaaam! Lovely spam! Wonderful spam. Spa-a-a-a-a-a-a-am! Spa-a-a-a-a-a-a-am! Spa-a-a-a-a-a-a-am! Spa-a-a-a-a-a-a-am! Lovely spam! (Lovely spam!) Lovely spam! (Lovely spam!) Lovely spaaam! Spam, spam, spam, spaaaaam! |